Can’t help but think that against Croatia, England got just exactly what they deserved. So, in a spirit of positive thinking, here’s ten reasons why we should be ecstatic that England won’t be at Euro 2008:
1. We won’t have to wait till the inevitable quarter-final exit from the tournament in the summer for a new manager to replace the current, useless, ginger incumbent. We can get it sorted now, and the new man can have some meaningless friendlies to get the team to gel out of sight of the media while no-one can bear to look at them.
2. We can watch, and enjoy the tournament in the summer.
3. If, say, Spain are playing Italy, and it’s been a great game, and it’s 2-2 at half time, the TV people will be obliged to comment on the game actually taking place in front of them, and oblige us with their considered opinions on the match. Not go to a pre-filmed ten minute interview with an England player, and discuss what this 2-2 result might mean in the context of our next game in a different group against Belgium.
4. Ian Wright can just f*ck off for the next two years at least.
5. We don’t have to embarrass ourselves with all those stupid little flags on our cars (which, by the way, increase drag on your vehicles making them more expensive to drive and cause more pollution) and succumb to some form of mass hysteria and extreme hyperbole for the six months leading up to the tournament. We also don’t have to be made to feel like losers unless we’ve gone ‘over there’ and helped lay siege to whichever unfortunate town we happen to be playing in this week.
6. Women don’t have to pretend to be interested and spend the whole month p*ssing all the men off by asking questions like “Have they won yet?”.
7. Those fat f*ckwits in charge at the FA might finally realise that no-one cares how much money the web development team at Vodafone is willing to pay for their Club Wembley box, and not one single member of the public will ever congratulate them for increasing their corporate turnover. All we want is a team which is run like a professional outfit and plays - and competes - as such.
8. We don’t have to watch the tabloid media and every single witless little celebrity comic make front-page news out of how much money the retarded examples of human vermin who pass for the “Wives and Girlfriends” of the England team can blow on useless designer sh*t using the money of the footballer they happen to be f*cking while making prats of themselves in naff wine bars. Yes girls, we know you won’t feel complete till you’ve got your presenting job on the latest reality TV show on late night satellite telly, but you know what? You just look like like worthless, stupid, parasitic sluts and you give British people - specifically, British women - a bad name. And you distract the players from the job in hand. This is a football tournament. It’s nothing to do with you. F*ck off.
9. If Wayne Rooney breaks his foot, catches cold, or gets out of his car at a funny angle over the next six months, it doesn’t necessarily have to be front page news.
10. Someone at the FA might just realise that it’s more important to have an effective team than to have your most famous players in the side and hope they do the business. I don’t care if Frank c*nting Lampard’s face does net them £500,000 when it’s on the side of a Carlsberg multipack in Sainsbury’s - he’s not an effective member of England’s midfield and hasn’t been for years now - so regardless of how good he is for branding purposes, he shouldn’t be in the side. Simple but true.