osa big brother
day 10 (not as funny today, funny one tomorrow)
Grad and AB45 are very intrigued as to why Valentina is spending such a vast amount of time in the diary room. The door is locked so they decide to enlist the help of the other housemates to gain access. Enlisting the help of the other housemates proves a futile excercise. Shooms is to comatosed to even help himself and is also muttering things about pink elephants, Miss Tickle states she would like to help but she is reading and memorising the complete works of Steve Biko. Jonnypink is still in mourning but at least he has now changed the music to a more uplifting beat as Frankie Goes To Hollywood's seminal hit Relax can be heard reverberating around the house. Sirius says he will not help as he wishes to research "the enemy within" and has his head buried in a copy of Searchlight. Steadman tells Grad and AB45 to "Poo Off, you didn't help me the other day when Bummerman got me so I'm not helping you." Steadman then goes back to reading his Whizzer and Chips annual while noisely slurping his carton of Um Bongo. Akinwale is also locked in his room. Akinwale is making "special preperations" for Gymnasium Day. He is drawing up a rigourous training programme which the housemates will have to complete. Akinwale hopes to lead the group in a Green Goddess type role. He has requested that a made to measure Green leotard be sent in especially for the day.
"We'll have to ask Cam" states AB45
"Do we have to?" replies Grad "He's made no sense since he's been in here and have you seen what he's doing now?"
It appears that Cam has taken alcaholism to a new level, he has removed his trousers and underpants and is now sat in the kitchen sink. Cam's theory for this is simple. "It cuts out the bother of getting up and going for a piss or shit when you're drunk. Just do it in the sink." states a knowing and grinning Cam.
"Cam me old China, We need your help." asks AB45
" We want to get into the diary room so we can see what Valentina is up to." chips in Grad.
Cams response is typical of the man we have come to know and love/loathe.
"Who's fcking Valentina?" "Whats Valentina." "Does she take it up the muckhole?" "Will she lend me a tenner?"
Realisng they are fighting a losing and tenous battle Grad thinks quick
"Cam, I think Valentina has a bottle of Merrydown in the diary room."
Hearing this acts like a pure crack rock to Cam's disfunctional and addled brain. He shoots bolt upright and a trouserless frenzied Cam charges towards the diary room, he attacks the diary room door with a flurry of punches and kicks.
"LEMME IN, LEMME IN YOU'VE GOT MEZ YOU BITCH LEMME IN"
screams a clearly psycotic and out of control Cam. The commotion and chaos has woken Shooms, he is claerly groggy and has a ruddy complexion from the nights binging. It's now AB45's turn to display quick thinking.AB45 puts on a Benny from Crossroads type accent and bellows
"ZULUS ZULUS ZULUS behind you."
Shooms quickly sobers up, his face turns the colour of Leeds United's home kit and he bursts into a sprint that a drug fuelled Ben Johnson would be in awe of. "OUT THE WAY THEIR CATCHING" screams a cleaerly petrified Shooms. Cam staggers out the way and Shooms goes crashing through the diary room door. This second eruption of bedlam brings the other housemates out of there rooms. All as one the housemates peer into the diary room. The sight that meets there eyes is one they are sure not to forget.
A naked Valentina is writhing around on the floor while inserting a 13" Superdeluxe black ribbed and spiked rampant rabbit up her front bottom. It becomes clear that Valentina has smuggled a lap top computer into the big brother house and there sitting proudly on top on of the laptop is a web cam.It transpires that Valentina has been having Web Cam Sex while the opportunity of actual real sex in the house is limited.The housemates look on in amazment. Grad lets out a long whistle, Miss Tickle is all for Self Masturbation, Sirius is getting rather excited and lets out a series of whoops and hollers while sieg heiling at a frantic pace,Shooms is collapsed on the floor semi concsious murmouring F****r, F****r don't let the Zulus get me(sorry kiddys can't put that name), Akinwale and Steadman both faint as it is the first time either of them have seen a naked woman. while AB45 quips "By the christ that's the best growler I've seen since Elsie Chalmers dropped her knickers on Clacton Pier in 1946." Valentina carries on unabashed.
Cam however is not interested in this. He is still frantically searching for the Merrydown. "where is it?" "where is it?". Cam is tearing strips out of the room in his quest for the grog. Suddenly Cam stops searching as he is aware of the other gentleman Web Cammer. A stocky unshaven character with short hair appears on Vals lap top. He appears to be naked is sporting two high grade borstal type tattoos of a stickman, L for Left on each arm. He is wanking merrily away while eating a pie at the same time and seems to be mouthing the words "oooh yeahhh val you're much better at this than rip rat." or words to that effect. Cam is sure he knows this charcter and upon catching sight of Cam the gentleman goes very,very red and quickly turns the web cam off
"oi you wanker i was getting into that" screams val
Steadman comes to and asks "Grad, Was that a super big wiggly worm that Valentina was playing with before?"
Grad sighs and goes to bed.
tomorrow gymnasium day. who will ackys next victim be?
thats fucking spot on fella, these days just get better and better 
I'd only stand & dance coz I'm too unfit to do a Ben Johnson 
of threads this was
